Finding Balance

If anyone is still out there at all I promise I'm not dead.  I'm just a mom.  I thought this would be a great place for me to have to vent and discuss things we're currently going through in our home and all kinds of things, but right now it's just another thing that isn't getting done. 

Today I find myself struggling to find balance.  You see, I'm not a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).  I'm a full-time-and-then-some working professional mom.  I love my job and I really don't think I'm cut out for the SAHM lifestyle (though there are times when it sounds lovely).  However, I'm sure that this is definatley one of those grass being greener on the other side scenarios. 

In any event, this week I'm a little hormonal (read PMS-ing) and I've fallen into the trap of becoming a Mommy Martyr.  I believe we all fall into that mode from time to time, but I know that I personally have a high propensity for getting there.  I've always been one of those Type A personalities who wants to be everything for everyone and be perfect at it.  But none of us are perfect and no mom to a 7 month old baby has time to do everything on the to-do list. 

Let me walk you through my normal day. 

• 5:00 am: Leap from bed and throw the alarm clock through the wall (I hate that stupid thing).  Let the dogs out to pee, take meds, and begin getting dressed for the day.
• 5:20 am: Check the clock and notice that 20 minutes have passed and you still haven't fixed your hair.
• 5:30 am: Finish fixing hair and makeup, throw on any work-appropriate clothing you can find in the closet.  Wake up husband (the 1st time). Go to the kitchen to fix lunches.
• 5:40 am: Lunches ready to go.  Wake up husband again (2nd time).  Do some other necessary housework.  (fold laundry, empty dishwasher, start supper for that night, pick up toys, etc.)
• 5:45 am:  Make sure/Wake up husband again (3rd and final time ususally).  Let dogs out again. More housework.
• 6:00 am:  Make sure husband is finally in the shower.  Finish up any last little chore I can before getting baby up.
• 6:10 am:  Get baby up, changed, dressed, and ready for daycare. 
• 6:20 am: Remind husband that it's almost time to go.  Play with baby and take baby to play with hubby for a minute while hubby finishes dressing.  Let dogs out to pee one last time.
• 6:30 am:  Running late... just now leaving house when we should have left 5 minutes ago. 
• 6:35 am:  Drop baby at daycare, stop and get gas (if needed), drive to work.
• 7:20 am:  Arrive at work (45 minutes from home).  Realize that I still haven't eaten breakfast.  Go to breakroom and warm up some of the oatmeal I keep stashed in my desk. 
• 7:30 am:  Finally at the desk and eating breakfast.  Check e-mail, calendar, and get settled in for work.  Workday may be super busy or not (varys day to day).  Inevitable that there will be some stupid person to deal with.
• 12:00 pm:  Finally time for lunch.  Grab my brown-bagged lunch and eat while working.
• 4:00 pm:  May be finished working or may work up to another hour.
• 4:30 pm:  Typical time to head home.  Drive for 45 minutes.
• 5:15 pm:  Pick up baby from daycare and head home.
• 5:30 pm:  Get into house, let dogs out to pee, change out of work clothes,  fix supper while trying to play with baby who has now missed his late afternoon nap.  Recruit hubby to play with baby for a few.
• 6:00 pm:  Supper is ready.  Hubby eats while I attempt to eat and feed baby at the same time. 
• 6:30 pm:  Clean up supper while baby plays in high chair. 
• 6:40 pm:  Baby is screaming and tired of the high chair.  Leave dishes for tomorrow morning, wipe baby's face, and get started on bathtime. 
• 7:00 pm:  Baby's bath is finished, Now it's time for a diaper, PJs, and playing in the floor with baby.  Sometimes I can fold some clothes or something during this time too.  It all depends on how happy baby is.
• 8:00 pm:  Almost bedtime for baby.  Settle in on the couch with a bottle and a book to read to him.  Rock baby to sleep.
• 8:45 pm:  Baby has finally settled down and gone to sleep.  Take him to bed. Then pick up any toys so that dogs don't eat them, put remaining bottle in fridge, let dogs out to pee.
• 9:00 pm:  Hubby goes to bed and I hop in the shower.  (It's more efficient to shower at night than to have to spend time drying my hair in the morning). 
• 9:20 pm:  Shower is done.  Turn off lights and fall into bed.  On a good night I only wake up and check the baby monitor 3-4 times.  By 4:00 am I'll be waking up every 20 minutes checking the clock. 

So you can see that there is almost no time remaining in my schedule.  I could try and do with less sleep, but if I don't get at least 7 hours a night I'll be sick at the end of a month (and there really isn't time for sick).  But all-in-all, I just don't have the time to get everything done.  It's not even close.  I'm learning to let the housework go as much as possible.  But sometimes, having a dirty house just makes me crazy and I can't let it go.  Then everything starts to build up until I explode. 

So that is where I am now... all built up and ready to explode.  Last night the baby blessed me and fell asleep on the couch at 7:15.  I put him to bed just after 8.  Wow... I got a whole hour back.  I jumped into action and went to clean the kitchen.  Then hubby comes into the kitchen and starts messing with me.  At first I couldn't tell if he was just aggrivating me or trying to turn me on.  I probably snapped at him and told him to go away too quickly but I was already feeling stressed. 

You see, typically, while I bathe, feed, and play with baby he sits at the computer or watches TV.  Now that is bad enough.  I already feel like I'm doing everything and don't have a minute to breathe yet he has time to surf the web aimlessly.  But at least he's present in the room and if I need something I can ususally get him to bring me a bottle or a diaper or something.  But last night while I did all my running around, he stayed on the phone in another room.  So I was really on my own with no help whatsoever. 

But back-to-the sexing me up part of the story.  After I put the baby in bed I ran to try to get some things finished up in the kitchen.  Then he comes in apparently trying to sex-me-up.  Part of me probably knew what he was really after (and it was just sex-type things for him).  To further complicate our situation, I can't take any form or birth control due to the hormones in them.  So it's either a condom (which he practially refuses) or careful timing (which means we can only do it like 1 week a month).  That means we have like no sex life at all (at least I don't).  Hubby still feels that he should get "special treatment" to satisfy his "problems" from time to time.  That is no fun for me and really just feels like sucking another 20-30 very unpleasant minutes out of my day.  So to say I'm not thrilled when he requests that is an understatement. 

So last night after I snapped at him a little too quickly, I got the cold shoulder and spent what could have been an hour getting more things done or catching up on sleep appologizing and promising "special treatment" tonight.  Now today, I'm more stressed out than yesterday and dreading going home.  I feel resentful toward my husband for adding one more item to my to-do list.  I have fallen deep into the Mommy Martyr pit of despair.  The fact that we can't actually have sex very often leaves me feeling less like a loved wife and more like a cheap prostitute, mostly because by the time we can enjoy the real thing Hubby is so revved up that he doesn't take the time to make love.  It's more a wham-bam-thank-you-maam. 

So how do I plan on pulling myself out of this abyss?  Well I'm not quite sure yet.  Part 1 of my plan involves me making some attitude adjustments.  I can't let myself stay in this pit and I'm the only one who can do something about it.  I hear that working out can relieve some of the stress so I'm going to go try to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill this afternoon during my lunch break.  Part 2 should probably be a nice long talk with Hubby about how I'm feeling.  I have lots of trouble doing this and he has even more trouble actually talking about his feelings.  But what I want is to get everything on the table so that we can begin to address the issue.  I haven't quite figured out what Part 3 needs to be, but maybe Hubby and I can figure that part out together. 

In the meantime... I'd be curious to know what your thoughts are?