Today was an ugly day... Do you ever just have those days when you think "I don't like my kids"?
Right this minute I can't remember anything specifically terrible... well at least not anything that was completely unusual. But something about my current state of mind combined with the perfect storm of toddler-hood times 2 to put us all in that bad place where nobody was happy. The kiddos seemed extra whiney/needy/demanding today and for some reason I found my giving tank running on empty.
Do you ever have those days? I do. Today was one of those days where I felt like of I had to sit through one more episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, fetch one more cup of juice, deal with one more "Mommy I need" or clean that high chair one more time that my head might just explode. Yet the 3 year old wanted most of those things multiple times and the 2 year old wanted all of the others at the same time. And don't even get me started on all the "Mommy play with me" requests. I'm spent.
I told hubby that I feel like I've kind of lost myself lately. I'm drowning in the sea of tasks that need doing and demands from every angle. It seems like after I spend all my time and energy taking career of the needs of others that there is nothing left for me except to fall into bed exhausted only to be awakened by the calls of a toddler in the night. Then I attempt to wake earlier than everyone else only to be caught sneaking out of the twin size bed I'm sharing with the 3 year old all too often. I then have to choose to leave him screaming or sacrifice my morning prep time to more cuddles and cartoon time. I'm emotionally exhausted and completely stressed out.
Tonight I'm going to bed feeling like a failure. I've been short tempered, a bad role model, and I still haven't accomplished the things on my to do list. The one success of the day is that when I was lying beside the 3 year old as he feel asleep just now I told him that I loved him and he responded, "I love you too Mommy!"
So for now at least I'm going to bed to try again tomorrow. Even in all the terribleness of this day I realize that I love them even when I don't like them. Tomorrow is another day and I will start making some changes that will help me to find myself again. I don't know quote what those changes are yet but rest assured they are coming.
