Fears and Hopeful Changes

So it's been more than 2 months since my last post, but I promise I'm still here and, yes, still pregnant.  I'm now 13 weeks along staring down the barrel of the next 27 long weeks. 

Thus far, we haven't shared the news with anyone (well, almost anyone).  B's mom visited and found an ultrasound picture left sitting on the table (oops!).  And B told a friend who was trying to help him find a new four-wheeler to buy (not going to be happening now).  But for the most part, our families and friends don't know. 

With my first pregnancy I wasn't excited about telling my family that I was expecting, but I couldn't wait to tell B's family.  This time, I'm not terribly excited about telling anybody.  I guess I think that if I just keep it to myself it won't really happen, but we all know that isn't the case.  And I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm more than a little scared about what life will be like with 2 babies under 2 in the house. 

Baby E will be 14 months old when Baby #2 is born.  Right now, Baby E is very very clingy and wants his Mama more than anybody.  Lots of days it's almost impossible to cook supper because I have to do it with Baby E on my hip.  Thank goodness for crock pots and casseroles.  Anything that I can get ready after Baby E goes to bed and pop in the oven or get out of the crock pot when I get home the next afternoon is God-sent.  What scares me is how I'll manage to hold 2 babies at once, how I'll be able to give each of them the time they need, how I'll manage when B has to go away on business for a week, how do I keep a 1.5 year old entertained while I feed a newborn?  How do you do it???? And, oh, how will I ever again find time for a shower when there are 2 of them needing me every second? 

Until yesterday I also worried about how I would manage to do everything around the house that needed doing.  For the last 3 months or so, I've felt a little like a single mom who had a baby and a grown child to care for.  B has been stressed to the limit as he preparred to take a licensure exam for his job.  He was gone every weekend for the past 8 weeks to a class and tried to find time to study every night.  This left me with all the housework, the yard work (on weekends while Baby E was with grandparents), the cooking, the cleaning, and full-time Baby E duties.  Then periodically, hubby gets all depressed saying I don't love him anymore because I never want to make love.  With everything already on my plate, I just felt like love-making was one more chore to add to the list.  Sleep seemed very much preferable to a roll in the hay. 

But this week, things have been somehow different.  B is helping out more when we get home from work rather than just sitting on the couch grumbling because he's having to hold Baby E while I cook supper.  Last night, while I fed and cuddled Baby E after work, Hubby did all the dishes and finished up supper.  I had some pork chops in the crock pot and he cooked some green beans and potatoes to go with it.  Then I fed Baby E while he ate and he distracted Baby E while I ate.  After supper, he did the dishes while I did bathtime.  And he really didn't complain at all.  It was wonderful to feel like I had a partner in all of this again.  It was so good in fact, that I rewarded him with a little "hubby time".  Last night, instead of going to bed exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated we both went to bed happy.  It was heavenly. 

Cravings, Cramps, and Moodiness

Ahhhh... Pregnancy.  You've got to love it. 

All in all I'm fortunate in that throughout my first pregnancy (and so far into this one) I haven't had any real morning sickness.  I count myself lucky for that.  I do occasionally have very mild nausea but it's nothing that can't be coped with or that lasts very long usually. 

But that doesn't mean that I don't have other un-fun things to deal with.  This time, the early pregnancy cramping has been much more noticable than last time.  I know that it is normal but it's definately not fun.  Add to that some serious moodiness and you have a recipe for disaster.  I feel like I live on the edge of insanity most days.  I'm fine pretty much everywhere but work.  Unfortunately, when I'm at work I tend to find myself having horribly mean thoughts about co-workers or basically anyone else who I happen to come into contact with.  I consider the work day a sucess if I can manage to keep my snarky comments under my breath or to myself. 

Also I've been having some serious cravings this time around.  Last time I don't think those showed up quite as quickly.  I've spent most of today online searching for recipes and thinking about all kinds of yummy foods.  Right now, I've got my mind set on some cinnamon rolls.  Those are always a weakness of mine, but right this second I can't seem to get them out of my head.  I'm also craving a seriously large meal at the Olive Garden.  Is that not crazy?  I see the commercials and think about a never-ending pasta bowl and breadsticks for the next 3 hours.   But alas, I must continue to fight off those cravings. 

The last pregnancy I worked very hard and managed to keep my weight gain right around 30 lbs.  If I can do that this time, when I'm 9 months pregnant I'll only weight a tiny bit more than I did before I was preganant the last time.  That would be a huge accomplishment.  So my cravings will go unanswered at the moment.  The good news is that I've located some new recipes that look super yummy to add to my cooking rotation that will at least be somewhat healthy. 

So that's where we stand today.  As this ugly beautiful pregnancy journey is just beginning again... moody, cramping, and dying to eat whatever kind of high fat high sugar goodness I can think of.  Wish me luck.  It may be a long 40 weeks.

Came to Work with Snot in My Hair

This morning baby E woke up snotty and coughing.  I've known a little fight with our seasonal allergies was coming so I've been prepping him for a few days with Zyrtec.  It's a good thing I have because he sounded rough this morning.  There was lots of coughing and a very snotty sounding nose.  Baby E woke up earlier than normal today thanks to all that coughing and his was very clingy.  I pretty well couldn't get him to pull his arms from around my neck for the first 20 minutes he was awake.  At some time in all that coughing I guess he managed to get something up because when I got to work this morning I noticed a clump of hair glued together on my neck.  It was stiff and nasty and my neck below it was sticky.  Let me tell you it's lovely.  I'm at work and I have baby snot or mucus on me.   The funny thing is I love that baby boy so much that it really isn't even a huge deal.  I went to the restroom and cleaned up as best I could.  I hope baby boy feels better now and I'd better remember to plug in the vaporizer tonight before bed.

Just When You Begin to Relax

Funny thing about parenting... just when you think you're beginning to get the hang of things and everyone (usually) sleeps through the night and life has settlted into a routine that allows you to keep your home and life in some reasonable sort of order.... life throws you a curve ball. 

Yes this weekend we discovered that baby #2 is on the way.  A moment later panic set in.  Where's the time gonna come from?  Where's the monkey gonna come from?  How are we possibly going to handle 2 children?  PANIC!!!!!   

Today heads are a little cooler and things seem calm enough on the surface, but my heart is still beating so fast that it feels like it's going to explode out of my chest.  Tomorrow I go to the doctor for an official confirmation.  We'll see how things go from there.

Finding Balance

If anyone is still out there at all I promise I'm not dead.  I'm just a mom.  I thought this would be a great place for me to have to vent and discuss things we're currently going through in our home and all kinds of things, but right now it's just another thing that isn't getting done. 

Today I find myself struggling to find balance.  You see, I'm not a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).  I'm a full-time-and-then-some working professional mom.  I love my job and I really don't think I'm cut out for the SAHM lifestyle (though there are times when it sounds lovely).  However, I'm sure that this is definatley one of those grass being greener on the other side scenarios. 

In any event, this week I'm a little hormonal (read PMS-ing) and I've fallen into the trap of becoming a Mommy Martyr.  I believe we all fall into that mode from time to time, but I know that I personally have a high propensity for getting there.  I've always been one of those Type A personalities who wants to be everything for everyone and be perfect at it.  But none of us are perfect and no mom to a 7 month old baby has time to do everything on the to-do list. 

Let me walk you through my normal day. 

• 5:00 am: Leap from bed and throw the alarm clock through the wall (I hate that stupid thing).  Let the dogs out to pee, take meds, and begin getting dressed for the day.
• 5:20 am: Check the clock and notice that 20 minutes have passed and you still haven't fixed your hair.
• 5:30 am: Finish fixing hair and makeup, throw on any work-appropriate clothing you can find in the closet.  Wake up husband (the 1st time). Go to the kitchen to fix lunches.
• 5:40 am: Lunches ready to go.  Wake up husband again (2nd time).  Do some other necessary housework.  (fold laundry, empty dishwasher, start supper for that night, pick up toys, etc.)
• 5:45 am:  Make sure/Wake up husband again (3rd and final time ususally).  Let dogs out again. More housework.
• 6:00 am:  Make sure husband is finally in the shower.  Finish up any last little chore I can before getting baby up.
• 6:10 am:  Get baby up, changed, dressed, and ready for daycare. 
• 6:20 am: Remind husband that it's almost time to go.  Play with baby and take baby to play with hubby for a minute while hubby finishes dressing.  Let dogs out to pee one last time.
• 6:30 am:  Running late... just now leaving house when we should have left 5 minutes ago. 
• 6:35 am:  Drop baby at daycare, stop and get gas (if needed), drive to work.
• 7:20 am:  Arrive at work (45 minutes from home).  Realize that I still haven't eaten breakfast.  Go to breakroom and warm up some of the oatmeal I keep stashed in my desk. 
• 7:30 am:  Finally at the desk and eating breakfast.  Check e-mail, calendar, and get settled in for work.  Workday may be super busy or not (varys day to day).  Inevitable that there will be some stupid person to deal with.
• 12:00 pm:  Finally time for lunch.  Grab my brown-bagged lunch and eat while working.
• 4:00 pm:  May be finished working or may work up to another hour.
• 4:30 pm:  Typical time to head home.  Drive for 45 minutes.
• 5:15 pm:  Pick up baby from daycare and head home.
• 5:30 pm:  Get into house, let dogs out to pee, change out of work clothes,  fix supper while trying to play with baby who has now missed his late afternoon nap.  Recruit hubby to play with baby for a few.
• 6:00 pm:  Supper is ready.  Hubby eats while I attempt to eat and feed baby at the same time. 
• 6:30 pm:  Clean up supper while baby plays in high chair. 
• 6:40 pm:  Baby is screaming and tired of the high chair.  Leave dishes for tomorrow morning, wipe baby's face, and get started on bathtime. 
• 7:00 pm:  Baby's bath is finished, Now it's time for a diaper, PJs, and playing in the floor with baby.  Sometimes I can fold some clothes or something during this time too.  It all depends on how happy baby is.
• 8:00 pm:  Almost bedtime for baby.  Settle in on the couch with a bottle and a book to read to him.  Rock baby to sleep.
• 8:45 pm:  Baby has finally settled down and gone to sleep.  Take him to bed. Then pick up any toys so that dogs don't eat them, put remaining bottle in fridge, let dogs out to pee.
• 9:00 pm:  Hubby goes to bed and I hop in the shower.  (It's more efficient to shower at night than to have to spend time drying my hair in the morning). 
• 9:20 pm:  Shower is done.  Turn off lights and fall into bed.  On a good night I only wake up and check the baby monitor 3-4 times.  By 4:00 am I'll be waking up every 20 minutes checking the clock. 

So you can see that there is almost no time remaining in my schedule.  I could try and do with less sleep, but if I don't get at least 7 hours a night I'll be sick at the end of a month (and there really isn't time for sick).  But all-in-all, I just don't have the time to get everything done.  It's not even close.  I'm learning to let the housework go as much as possible.  But sometimes, having a dirty house just makes me crazy and I can't let it go.  Then everything starts to build up until I explode. 

So that is where I am now... all built up and ready to explode.  Last night the baby blessed me and fell asleep on the couch at 7:15.  I put him to bed just after 8.  Wow... I got a whole hour back.  I jumped into action and went to clean the kitchen.  Then hubby comes into the kitchen and starts messing with me.  At first I couldn't tell if he was just aggrivating me or trying to turn me on.  I probably snapped at him and told him to go away too quickly but I was already feeling stressed. 

You see, typically, while I bathe, feed, and play with baby he sits at the computer or watches TV.  Now that is bad enough.  I already feel like I'm doing everything and don't have a minute to breathe yet he has time to surf the web aimlessly.  But at least he's present in the room and if I need something I can ususally get him to bring me a bottle or a diaper or something.  But last night while I did all my running around, he stayed on the phone in another room.  So I was really on my own with no help whatsoever. 

But back-to-the sexing me up part of the story.  After I put the baby in bed I ran to try to get some things finished up in the kitchen.  Then he comes in apparently trying to sex-me-up.  Part of me probably knew what he was really after (and it was just sex-type things for him).  To further complicate our situation, I can't take any form or birth control due to the hormones in them.  So it's either a condom (which he practially refuses) or careful timing (which means we can only do it like 1 week a month).  That means we have like no sex life at all (at least I don't).  Hubby still feels that he should get "special treatment" to satisfy his "problems" from time to time.  That is no fun for me and really just feels like sucking another 20-30 very unpleasant minutes out of my day.  So to say I'm not thrilled when he requests that is an understatement. 

So last night after I snapped at him a little too quickly, I got the cold shoulder and spent what could have been an hour getting more things done or catching up on sleep appologizing and promising "special treatment" tonight.  Now today, I'm more stressed out than yesterday and dreading going home.  I feel resentful toward my husband for adding one more item to my to-do list.  I have fallen deep into the Mommy Martyr pit of despair.  The fact that we can't actually have sex very often leaves me feeling less like a loved wife and more like a cheap prostitute, mostly because by the time we can enjoy the real thing Hubby is so revved up that he doesn't take the time to make love.  It's more a wham-bam-thank-you-maam. 

So how do I plan on pulling myself out of this abyss?  Well I'm not quite sure yet.  Part 1 of my plan involves me making some attitude adjustments.  I can't let myself stay in this pit and I'm the only one who can do something about it.  I hear that working out can relieve some of the stress so I'm going to go try to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill this afternoon during my lunch break.  Part 2 should probably be a nice long talk with Hubby about how I'm feeling.  I have lots of trouble doing this and he has even more trouble actually talking about his feelings.  But what I want is to get everything on the table so that we can begin to address the issue.  I haven't quite figured out what Part 3 needs to be, but maybe Hubby and I can figure that part out together. 

In the meantime... I'd be curious to know what your thoughts are?

Frustrations

I have a confession.  Sometimes I get frustraited with my baby.   Not just a little... a lot!   He is now 4 1/2 months old and usually he's completely adorable.  But since he's learned how to roll over, he sometimes uses that little trick to express his frustration.  If he's sitting on my lap and decides he's not comfortable or isn't happy, he'll arch his back and roll to his left.  It makes it very difficult to hang onto him and is incredibly frustrating when you're trying to feed him. 

At times he's just cranky and it doesn't matter what you do, he's not satisfied.  As his mommie, it's my job to make it better but I sometimes just can't figure it out.  Incidently the answer is usually that he's tired but doesn't want to go to sleep.  But in those 30 minutes or so before I realize what's happening, I can become so stressed that I almost get angry.

These isn't the first times I've been frustraited with him though.  When he was a newborn we had a couple of days and nights when it just seemed like he screamed nonstop.  He has never cried much so this was torture for me.  I just couldn't figure out what was wrong.  After 48 straight hours without any real sleep, I was exceptionally frustraited.  It was at that point that I understood how someone could shake a baby.  Please understand that I never shook him, but I was frustraited and exhausted and I suddenly saw how someone could be driven to that.  It turned out that he had a very upset tummy and switching formulas made a world of difference.  But that 2 day period almost broke me.  At one point I even sat on the couch and cried with him for a couple hours just to let go of some of the stress. 

Then there are the men in our lives... I love my husband dearly.  He is a wonderful man and a great father to our baby boy.  But he's still a man.  Over the last few days we've been working on getting Eli to sleep in his own bed instead of ours.  We want him to start sleeping in the pack-n-play in our bedroom so that we can later make the transition to the crib in his room.  This means that for the first few days I was up 3-4 times a night soothing him.  I typically got him and was out of our bedroom before he started screaming.  I would be up for 1 or 2 hours trying to lay him back down 3 or 4 times during that period.  To say I wasn't getting much sleep would be an understatement.  By the 4th night without sleep, I was at the point that I was HURTING.  I mean in physical pain due to lack of sleep.  My back ached so bad that I had to take a Tylenol to get comfortable so that I could go to sleep. 

About day 3 of this little weekend sleep-routine adventure I began to get irritable.  I would sit in the living room holding baby boy at 2 in the morning and become almost angered by the sound of my husband snoring in the other room.  How dare he sleep when I was so tired?!  Then around mid afternoon on day 4, I was saying how tired I was and he had the audacity to say that he was tired too.  "Ha!" I thought.  "I've not slept a full night in 4 days and you're tired." 

Even my poor doggies have taken some abuse due to my sleep deprivation and frustraition.  I've fussed at them without cause some this week or for shaking their heads and jinggling the tags on their collars as I worried they might wake the baby and disturb the few minutes of sleep I do get. 

Looking back now I know that me being the sleep deprived one was best for everyone.  Baby boy doesn't do well when his daddy tries to get him to sleep and daddy runs out of patience far too easily.  And to be perfectly honest, when my husband fails to get enough sleep, he is so cranky that I can't really deal with him.
As for the dogs, they are natrually forgiving creatures, and I'll have to be sure to bring them a new bone home from the grocery store

My point is this... During the journey of motherhood, I believe that it is common to become frustraited with your children, your husband, work colleagues, everyone and everything around you.   In fact, it is virtually inevitable.  What we can control is how we react to it and how we let it change us.  Take time, step back, and examine the situation.  When I do that, I can remember that this time with my baby boy when he needs and wants me around will be far too brief.  So if I am exhausted, angry, stressed, irritable, and frustraited with the world around me, I can take a deep breath and stop for a minute to enjoy the extra time with my baby boy... even at 2 in the morning.

Things I didn't really know until I got pregnant.

Congratulations! For better or worse you are now pregnant and within just 9 (more like 10) short months you'll be holding your little bundle of joy in your arms.  But before you witness those first breaths and count fingers and toes you have 10 long months ahead of you and multiple reality checks.  So with that, I present the following list of things that I didn't know until I actually became pregnant.

1. Pregnancy is a 10 month process.  -- We always hear about pregnancy being 9 months.  Well that is just plain WRONG.  Pregnancy is 40 weeks (starting from the first day of your last period).  Counting 4 weeks a month means that is take 10 (not 9) months to grow a baby.  Did you know this?  "Wait! I only signed on for 9 months.  Is it too late for a refund?"

2. While pregnant, a woman's sense of smell is on the same order of magnitude as the nose of a blood hound.  -- I first suspected I was pregnant while walking through the grocery store.  It was a Saturday and the store had a nice old lady dispensing free samples of some new frozen food they were carrying.  I smelled this food and my stomach immediately decided to reject the breakfast I'd eaten 3 hours before.  At first I thought I was crazy because I couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from.  5 aisles over, I finally ran into the food cart.  At least I wasn't crazy but I was very, very pregnant. 

3. Your due date is only as acurate as your record keeping. -- When I went for my first prenatal appointment I was asked the first date of my last period.  Well, I'm usually pretty good at writing that down, but the one month I forget happens to be the month I got pregnant.  When the doc asked for my date to compute my due date I had to guess.  When we had a first ultrasound a couple weeks later, it showed I was a week and a half behind what I'd estimated.  I spent the entire pregnancy with two due dates a week and a half apart.  It was anybody's guess.

4.  Being pregnant is not an excuse to eat anything and everything.  -- It turns out in the early weeks of pregnancy that you only need to consume about 300 more calories than normal to adequately nourish the child.  Eating way more than that will just result in excess weight gain and (if you have the same doctor that I do) lectures from your doctor. 

5.  Keeping something like that a secret is hard work.  -- Given everything that can happen in those first few weeks, hubby and I decided that the pregnacy would be our little secret until we were 3 months along.  Well that was a tough thing to do.  When we'd go eat dinner with my folks and I refused a glass of wine I had to say that I was dieting (not pregnant).  When someone's lunch at work would turn my stomach, I had to make excuses to step outside for relief.  I had to avoid being moodier than normal (or at least showing that I was moodier than normal) and I had to battle those evil hormones daily.  We ended up sharing the news sooner so that we weren't announcing our baby at a family member's wedding but while we were keeping things under wraps it was hard.

6.  The world doesn't stop just because you're expecting.  -- Expecting a child does not give you a free pass to lie around and do nothing all the time.  You'll feel like that's all you want to do, but that isn't how life works.  You still have to get out of bed in the morning and go to work.  You still have family functions, holidays, housework, laundry, and possibly other children to manage.  Oh, and don't forget that you now have to plan for there to be another person living with you in a few months.