The Ugly Day

Today was an ugly day... Do you ever just have those days when you think "I don't like my kids"?

Right this minute I can't remember anything specifically terrible... well at least not anything that was completely unusual.  But something about my current state of mind combined with the perfect storm of toddler-hood times 2 to put us all in that bad place where nobody was happy. The kiddos seemed extra whiney/needy/demanding today and for some reason I found my giving tank running on empty.

Do you ever have those days? I do. Today was one of those days where I felt like of I had to sit through one more episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, fetch one more cup of juice, deal with one more "Mommy I need" or clean that high chair one more time that my head might just explode.  Yet the 3 year old wanted most of those things multiple times and the 2 year old wanted all of the others at the same time. And don't even get me started on all the "Mommy play with me" requests.  I'm spent.

I told hubby that I feel like I've kind of lost myself lately. I'm drowning in the sea of tasks that need doing and demands from every angle.  It seems like after I spend all my time and energy taking career of the needs of others that there is nothing left for me except to fall into bed exhausted only to be awakened by the calls of a toddler in the night.  Then I attempt to wake earlier than everyone else only to be caught sneaking out of the twin size bed I'm sharing with the 3 year old all too often. I then have to choose to leave him screaming or sacrifice my morning prep time to more cuddles and cartoon time. I'm emotionally exhausted and completely stressed out.

Tonight I'm going to bed feeling like a failure. I've been short tempered, a bad role model, and I still haven't accomplished the things on my to do list. The one success of the day is that when I was lying beside the 3 year old as he feel asleep just now I told him that I loved him and he responded, "I love you too Mommy!" 

So for now at least I'm going to bed to try again tomorrow. Even in all the terribleness of this day I realize that I love them even when I don't like them. Tomorrow is another day and I will start making some changes that will help me to find myself again. I don't know quote what those changes are yet but rest assured they are coming.

The Beauty of the Regular Day

I was just reading a blog post by Lisa Jo Baker about how the ordinary days which seem to drag on have so many special little memories in them and it made me think. 

For the most part, I enjoy the regular daily routine pretty well.  We do sometimes do special things with our kids, but those days always require so much planning, packing, planning some more, and lots of extra effort to ensure that everyone has the right ammount of sleep and naps to be able to really enjoy the day.  Those special days are special and they are needed, but the regular days are wonderful in their own rights. The regular days can sometimes be tough, but in some ways they are so easy as well.  With everyone at home and in our daily routine there is no extra planning to be done.  We have a little routine but we also have a little freedom to vary our activities in our play time together. 

E got new trucks in the mail from his grandparents the other day.

 

Perhaps I'm nostalgic over the regular days this morning because of how wonderfully smooth last night and this morning went at our house.  My oldest (now 18.5 month) was such a good little boy last night.  He ate supper well and then played, got a bath, and played some more.  We never reached the foul moodiness that typically occurs close to a toddler bedtime.  He was just genuinly happy and content so I allowed him to stay up an extra 30 minutes (mostly so that I could continue watching him play). 

 

Baby A enjoys conversations with Mommie

Baby girl (now 3 months old) was also very content last night. She ate a bottle when we got home, sat in her bouncy seat while we ate supper, and then slept in our arms until after her brother went to bed. Then we woke her to change her clothes and diaper and feed her before we all settled in for the night. She didn't wake up until 4:30 this morning.

 
This morning after feeding baby girl, I put her down on the bed with her Daddy while I went to dress for work.  15 minutes later when I picked her up to go settle on the couch and feed her just a tiny bit more before we got her dressed, she didn't care to eat because she was too busy smiling up at me.  We talked and played for a few minutes before we got Toddler E up. 

Once Toddler E gets up in the mornings, I get to have my favorite part of the day.  I sit on the couch with a child on each side of my lap and we all cuddle together while we watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Toddler E works to get his eyes open.  E frequently asks for "bite-bites" (food, usually a granola bar) and his "tea" (sippy cup with water and a splash of sweet tea) so we sit there letting him take his time eating before I get the kiddos dressed. 

Dressing both kids is a task that sometimes goes well and sometimes doesn't.  Baby A is never any trouble because she's still too little to put up a fight.  This morning I dressed her in a sweet little bubble suit that she'd never worn before.  She looked beautiful, cool, and comfy and was still in a wonderful mood.  I then grabbed Toddler E's clothes and sat myself and Baby A down in the floor near him.  Dressing him was somewhere between good and bad.  He was busy playing with his toys and wasn't thrilled about stopping.  We got it done none-the-less and headed out the door on time. 

When we got to daycare, E's two best buddies were both already there. He was excited and ready to play. I took the kids in and by the time I handed Baby A to the teacher, E was rolling in the floor playing with his buddies. He didn't even know I was gone.

It's been a beautifully routine night/morning and, right now, I can't wait to go pick up my kids and do it again. 

Where do you find beauty in your daily routine?

Mommie Brain --- It's a Disease!

I'm pretty sure being a mother is turning my brain to mush.  I always used to have it together.  Now, I'm lucky if I get out of the house without some vital piece of clothing missing.  I call my incapability to remember anything these days Mommie Brain.  WebMD doesn't list it in their disease database, but what do they know?  It's a REAL thing! 

This morning I got halfway to work before I realized that I'd left my shoes.  I had thrown on old flip flops to run into the garage for something and just forgot to change shoes before we rushed out the door.  But, hey, I did get 2 kiddos up, fed, dressed and out the door before 6:30 am.  So today I'm sporting my $2 brown flip flops at work with my black dress pants.  This is a fashion don't on so many levels! Thus far, I've managed to hide at my desk all day so no one has noticed (at least no one has noticed and said anything). 

Yesterday, Hubby and I left the house to go to a barbecue.  We were supposed to be responsible for bringing everything we'd need to make homemade icecream while we were there.  I was so organized that I pre-measured my incredients into plastic baggies, made a list of a couple of things I needed to pick up on the way and how much of those to add when we got there, and even put it all neatly together.  Guess what I didn't take?  The icecream freezer.  Walmart sold an extra this weekend thanks to Mommie Brain.

One day last week I got to work before I realized that I had forgotten my contacts.  All the way to work I wondered why I had a headache... duh!  It wasn't until I realized that I couldn't read the text on my computer screen that I had a clue.  Fortunately I keep an old pair of glasses in my desk drawer. 

I'm completely convinced that one day I'm going to look down and realize that I left the house without my pants or, worse, without a child. 

Maybe I'm a Bad Mom, but....

Happy V-Day folks!

So this morning I was dressing Baby E and I got a nice purple snowman shirt on him before it ever dawned on me that today was Valentines day.  Hey! I'm a busy gal. Most days I'm doing good to know what day of the week it is; forget about knowing the date. 

So anyway, when I realized it, I went and found a black and red shirt.  No it wasn't really Valentinesy, but it did have red on it.  To be honest, he looked more like a lumberjack than anything. 

To be honest, I don't see any point in buying a Valentines Day shirt for him every year.  If we get one in a hand-me-down bag, great! But I'm not about to go spend $15-$20 for a new shirt for every holiday.  We'll make do with what we already have or we'll go without. 

Does that make me a bad mom?  Maybe.

The Stages of "My Baby Isn't Sleeping" Grief Process

So today as I arrive at my desk and try to begin my bleary eyed day, I know that it will be a struggle to remain awake through the 2 meetings I have much less be capable of preparing for them.  Last night Baby E was up for almost 3 hours.  The first time was around 11pm and was fairly short lived.  He got back to sleep reasonably easily and then I followed and we made it until 2:30 am before we were up again.  By 4 am I was in tears from exhaustion having completely cycled through the "My Baby Isn't Sleeping" greif process.  It was around that time that I finally begain putting all the pieces of the puzzle together and realized that we were dealing with a tummy ache. 

Normally, Baby E sleeps very well and only lately has begun waking once during the night to eat.  I hear this is part of the normal adjustment to our transition from formula to whole milk and that soon he will get the hang of eating more table food and return to sleeping through the night.  So when our 11 pm feeding was short lived I returned to bed with the delusion of sleeping the remainder of the night undisturbed.  WRONG! 

At 2:30 Baby E woke me up screaming "MOMMIE".  I looked at the monitor and knew he was safe, but still this was so unlike him that I rushed across the house suspecting some bad dream had startled him and he was scared. 

At this point we enter the grief process...

Phase 1 - Delusion.  We settled in in the rocking chair and he clamed down.  I suspected this would be another quick cuddle session and we'd both be back to sleep in 15 minutes. 

Unfortunately, Baby E just couldn't get comfortable.  This isn't too unusual so we rocked and he squirmed around.  After 10 minutes of rocking/squirming I suspected that he was just stiff and sore from playing all day and needed to be put into his crib to finish going to sleep.  So I laid him down and patted his back for another 5-10 minutes expected that he would go back to sleep.  Again this didn't work.  He was even more squirmy, tossing and tumbling around and periodically looking up at me as if to say, "Mom, fix this!". 

Phase 2 - Desperation.  As we neared 3am, my thoughts began to turn to the fact that neither of us was going to be our best the next day if we don't both get back to sleep.  So I reached the despration phase where you are willing to try anything.  "Maybe you're hungry?"... I scooped him back up and we went back to the couch with more food.  Two sips of bottle and he was done with that.  He tries to go back to sleep but again he was squirmy.  "Maybe you just need a little more Mommie time?... Let's get back to sleep then I'll lay on the couch with you for a while."  15 minutes of that and nope, he was still squirmy.  "More bottle?" No. "More Cuddles?" No. "More Rocking?" Nope.  "Please just go to sleep!"

Baby E was not comfy and could not get comfy.  He would on occasion lay still in my arms but his eyes were wide open just staring at me.  I thought, "Is he even sleepy?"  Ahhh... moving to the next phase

Phase 3 - Irritation.  Now it's almost 3:30 am.  We've been up for an hour and Baby E doesn't seem interested in going to sleep.  I'll give him one more shot.  We'll rock and go through our bedtime routine then I'll lay him down.  He can sleep or he can SCREAM.  I DON"T CARE! 

So that's what we tried next.  10 minutes of rocking and a story.  Then 5 minutes of rocking and lulliby, then 10 more minutes of back patting while he lays in the crib.  Still he is squirming and tossing and turning.  I kissed him and told him it was bedtime then left the room.  By the time I hit the door the screaming had started again.  UGH!  I was tired and at this point knew that Baby E just hated me and didn't want me to sleep.  So I grabbed the monitor from beside the bed and let him fuss.  I alerted the hubby as to what was going on and told him that in a few minutes I might need him to try soothing Baby E. 

After 15 minutes of fussing, I decided that I would give it one more good try.  I grabbed him and rocked him then tried to settle in on the couch.  Again he was super squirmy but after a couple minutes he settled in and almost got to sleep.  I laid him down thinking that he was going to bed, but the screaming started again. 

Phase 4 - Exhaustion.  Now it's 4am.  I went and got the hubby but after we talked for a couple minutes I decided that there was no use in him getting up.  By this time, even if I laid down it would be just 30 minutes or so until my 5am alarm clock so at this point I might as well just stay up.  As I walked back to Baby E's room the tears began to fall.  I grabbed Baby E and told him that he wasn't being fair.  Mommie needs her sleep too.  Mommie is tired and has to work in the morning.  Please, please, please just go to sleep. 

Rocking him in my arms I walked back to the couch in the living room while crying and again tried to settle him in to sleep on my chest.  Again it wasn't happening.  Eventually, I gave up on sleep all together.  I just laid him down on the couch beside me and watched him.  He was on his tummy scrunching his knees up in under himself, squirming, and whining a little.  That's when it hit me.... He does that when his tummy hurts! 

Phase 5 - Guilt (the optional phase).  So this whole time he was trying to tell me that he was hurting but I wasn't listening.  It was only when I reached the point of pure exhaustion and gave up on either of us ever sleeping again that I realized what was happening.  I grabbed him and stretched him on his tummy across my knees and bounced him.  He tooted a few times and within a couple of minutes was drooling on my arm then tried to move to a more comfortable spot to go to sleep. 

He crawled up on me a little more and rolled over onto his back.  I kept some pressure on his tummy with my hand and more gas came out.  By 4:30 he was asleep in his own bed and I was back in mine.  I reset the alarm for 5:30 instead of 5:00 and decided to try to sleep for a few minutes. 

Phase 6 - The Hangover.  I did get up and dressed at 5:30.  Then I ate breakfast and went to wake up Baby E to get him dressed for daycare.  I turned on a dim light and he woke a little.  When I picked him up he went right back to sleep on my shoulder.  He was so sleepy this morning that he slept through me taking of his pajamas, changing his diaper, and putting on his clothes.  He only woke when we were ready to walk out the door to get in the car.  I kind of envy him for that. 

I've never seen him sleep through a diaper change.  In fact, they usually wake him so much that I do my best not to change a diaper in the middle of the night.  Today I'm certain will be a tough day for him at daycare.  He was still very tired and needed more sleep.  Hopefully, he'll take a couple of nice long naps for them.  As for me, I'll struggle through my workday being minimally productive.  If I'm lucky, my 2 meeting will be interesting enough to hold my attention and prevent me from falling asleep.  If I'm unlucky, I'll be awakened by the sound of my head hitting my desk.  And that is just the first day... to me, the second day is always worse than the first day. 

So there you have it, my 6 stages of the "My Baby Isn't Sleeping" Grief Process.  What do you think?  Are they acurate or am I completely off base?

When Life Becomes an Inconveniance

Do you ever just get worn completely out?  I do.  This week I've been exhausted and I'm afraid that it's beginning to wear on my family.

Baby E has been sick for almost 2 weeks now.  We started with an ear infection.  I took him to the doc and got an antibiotic.  Thinking it was no big deal we trudged on with our normal routine.  2 days later Baby E had what I assume to be a combination of a stomach bug and a bad reaction to the anti-biotics.  A call to the doc yielded instructions for coping.  Then we spent the whole weekend spent nursing a sick baby. 

Monday morning we thought things were all better, tried another dose of antibiotic and were promptly vomited all over.  Now we know he can't take that drug.  Doctor trip #2 (1 week 2 days ago) was to see if we needed to try a different antibiotic.  The ear infection had improved so we decided to see if it would clear up on its own. 

Yesterday we were supposed to go to the doctor for Baby E's 12 month shots (Doctor trip #3).  When they started the initial screening (checking temp, weight, etc.) we discovered E was running a low-grade fever.  He was super cranky, but he's typically cranky late in the afternoon so I didn't really think much of it.  Turns out the ear infection and sore throat are back.  More antibiotics... yay!

So since Baby E has been sick (and doing some teething) he hasn't been sleeping through the night.  Since about 8 weeks old, Baby E has slept through the night with no real trouble so to say I'm unaccustomed to waking 2-3 times a night to soothe him is probably an understatement. 

To make matters worse, Baby E has recently decided that his new wake-up time is 4 am.  This means that no only do I miss my last hour of sleep but that I now have to get dressed with Baby E in tow.  Thankfully, I shower at night after he goes to bed so at least I have that out of the way.  I can now say that I've mastered the arts of putting on my makeup with him on one hip, keeping him out of the toilet while trying to fix my hair, and generally spending my morning bathroom time jumping between playing, dressing, and picking Baby E up periodically. 

Though I always enjoy seeing him this juggling act slows me down severely in the mornings.  Alone, I can be dressed and ready in 15-20 minutes.  With Baby E in tow, it takes more like 30-45 minutes.  I used to use the extra time in my morning to make lunches, start supper for that night in the crock pot, eat breakfast... now I'm doing good to throw something from the fridge into my lunch bag just before running out the door. 

I'm generally exhausted, 24 weeks pregnant, and I work full time.  Last night Baby E refused to go to bed on time and was up at 4 am again this morning.  He got nowhere near enough sleep.  So he was more than a little cranky this morning.  It was one of those mornings where he just screamed no matter what.  Pick him up; he cries to get down.  Put him down to play; he cries to be picked up.  Wipe the snot from his nose; he screams bloody murder.  Change his diaper; cries like we just killed his dog.  NOTHING was right.  By the time we left the house I felt like a zombie, abad wife,  and a worse mom,

The hubby says that lately he feels like he is an inconveniance to me.  I don't quite know how to tell him, but right now life is an inconveniance.  I haven't cooked supper in 2 weeks and I miss decent healthy food.  I no longer have time for much of anything except making Baby E feel better (which apparently only Mommy can do... no one else).  I feel like a failure at everything.  I can't take care of my husband and I can't get my child over all this sickness.  What good am I?   Right now I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep for the next week and wakeup to the life I knew before teething and sickness took over my life. 

This all may be the hormones and exhaustion talking, but right now my whole life is inconvenent.  I want to do better and be happier but I'm going to need to feel like something is going my way in order for that to happen. 

Ugly: First Pair of Shoes = Epic Fail!

When Baby E was a tiny baby, we tried putting shoes on him exactly 2 times.  The first time, at around 6 weeks old, we tried these tiny little sneakers.  Baby E curlled his little feet up into tiny balls, we thought we finally got the shoes on, and 5 minutes later, they were falling in the floor.  He hated shoes so much from the get go that I vowed not to worry about it until he started walking

The next time we tried shoes was a month of two ago as we worked our way through a couple of bags of hand-me-downs.  I saw these little shoes and knowing that winter was coming and that time was drawing near when we would NEED shoes to protect our little walker, I decided to try again.  It went almost as badly as the first time.  I gave up in a matter of minutes declaring all the shoes the wrong size.  I don't know yet whether or not I was wrong, but I plan to go back through the shoes and find out this weekend.

Yesterday my mom picked Baby E up from daycare early and brought him to meet me after work.  It was time to fight the shoe battle and with his fat feet we knew there would be no choice but to go to the Stride Rite store and get some good walking shoes.  I talked it up big and tried to get him excited about his big boy shoes, but I think he knew all along that this was not going to be something he enjoyed. 

As we drove from my office to the store across town, Baby E sat in the back seat saying "Nanananana... Dadadada" (translation... daddy says I don't need these expensive shoes and I don't want them!).  B had already asked how many people I thought had learned to walk throughout history without $40 baby shoes... I just hate it when I don't have an argument! So as Baby E sat there saying "Nanananana... Dadadadada".  I had this feeling of dread that this was not going to be pretty. 

We got to the store and the first step was to measure his little foot.  The right foot went well, but apparently Baby E has a complex about his left foot.  When the sales clerk sat his left foot on the metal foot measurer thingy (yes that is a technical term), Baby E began to get angry.  Well we did discover that he was going to need a 4 1/2 wide or possibly an extra wide.  We picked out a pair or two of the "learn to walk" level 2 shoes to try on and then the fun started.  The toes curled, the feet balled up, and eventually, we straightened his right foot out enough to get the shoe on.  Whew... 1 down 1 to go.  Then the left foot.  The best we could ever do in the store was to get the left shoe on with his toes still curlled up.  The clerk said to stand him up and let him do some walking in them and eventually he'll uncurl those toes.  WRONG!

The first pair of shoes we tried.  The soft soles are meant to mimic walking barefoot.

Baby E tried very uncomfortably to walk in those shoes crying almost the whole time.  He was walking pidgeon toed, rolling his ankle over, and doing just about everything except walking like he normally does.  I felt like a mean mom who was torturing her child.  We pulled off that pair of shoes and attempted to try on a second pair but never even got into them.  The sales clerk suggested we move to an extra wide to give him some more room since the velcro straps on the wide shoes were just barely holding on. 



Pair #2... The ones we didn't even get on. 



Hoping that he was just uncomfortable and the shoes didn't fit, I agreed.  The kicker was that to get a shoe in an extra wide size we'd have to go to the level 3 "I know how to walk" shoes.  So I picked out another pair to try on and we went through the whole foot curling, toe scrunching process again.  Again, Baby E couldn't really walk in these shoes and now he was getting tired and hungry.  Ugh! I gave up on this being a pleasant experiance. 

The extra wide shoes did look like they fit better.  The velcro would at least close all the way.  So this tired mom handed her tired hungry baby to his grandmother and paid for the expensive shoes.  We left the shoes on Baby E's feet hoping that if we wore them while he was in the carseat he'd get a little more accustomed to them.  Any exposure is good, right???  He kept them on for about half the ride home (the half that he slept through).  Then he was pulling and tugging at them and getting generally ticked off.  We surrendered and took off the shoes.  It didn't fix things but it helped a little and we eventually made it home.

The winner... Level 3, not that he can walk in these either!



This morning the torture began again.  While Baby E was eating I pulled on some thin socks (since last night his feet were sweating when we pulled the shoes off) and then started getting the shoes on.  This morning, the right shoe went right on without any problems.  The left foot was trouble again!  The first attempt ended with the shoe in the floor.  I decided we'd put it back on in the car.  With Baby E strapped in, B and I tried for what felt like 5 minutes to get the shoe back on.  After much work and some tears from Baby E, we had it back on (I think). 

Baby E sulked all the way to daycare.  He usually babbles happily and plays but today he just sat and stared at us with a look saying "I don't like either one of you right now."  Normally when we get to daycare, he doesn't want to leave my arms.  Today he reached for Miss Angela and watched me leave without a tear.  I think he was just a little angry with me.  I told Miss Anglea to try to keep the shoes on until 8:00.  That would leave them on around 1 1/2 hours and we'll just build up from there.  I don't know how its going to go.  I'm hoping that with all the other kids around he might forget that he's wearing shoes and just fall into playing.  It should be a busy day since today is their Christmas party.  With any luck, there will be lots of distraction today especially. 

I'm not going to call today to see how things are going because with the party and everything I know that the ladies are super busy.  But I'm definately interested to find out how things went this morning when we pick Baby E up this afternoon.  I do hope he didn't fuss too much for them.  I know I'm dreaming but wouldn't it be wonderful to pick him up and find him still wearing his shoes?  Naaaaa... that is just too much to hope for. 

There hasn't been much that I've done with Baby E that I'm sure I'll do different with Baby #2, but this will be one thing.  Prepare yourself Baby #2.  You will be wearing shoes frequently from the day you are born.  I won't create another battle like this one to fight.